Day 28 - A painful post, grief and sobriety - the loss of my best friend
Here I am on Day 28. I like the above picture - it's peaceful yet shows the path ahead. Well I woke up at 10:30am, this may sound ridiculously late but given how off-kilter my sleep has been, this is a significant improvement. I spilt coffee all over my bed - slightly aggravated about that but hopefully my side of the mattress will be dry by night.
My gorgeous little 11 month old puppy is curled up next to me, you wouldn't believe how incredibly naughty he can be. It took me a while to bond with him to be honest. My husband accidentally ran over my 4 yr old dog, Sammy about 8 months ago. I was at a training course and I had my phone turned off. I turn my phone on and I had 68 missed calls. I immediately rang my husband and he was crying so hard and could only just get out, 'I killed him, I ran over Sammy'.
My poor 13 year old son had been called home from school. He rode home by himself and arrived to see blood on the driveway and walked in the house to see our dog passed away, being cuddled by my husband. I can't believe the school let my son ride home by himself in the middle of the day (my husband gave his permission), I can't believe my poor son had to walk into that scene. I can't believe it happened full stop.
I had to be so strong that day. I rang and organised a place to cremate him, it was winter and I couldn't bear the thought of burying him in the cold ground. So I organised it all. I drove to the cremation place. It's amazing how strong you can be when you HAVE to be.
My husband and I cried for days on end. I really blamed him (inside), as I had always warned him about letting the dogs run around outside the gate and I had said an accident would happen one day. My husband doesn't foresee danger sometimes, he was tormented and punished enough from himself, in time I learnt to forgive.
The pain was horrendous, I was physically and emotionally in pain and I missed (still miss) my boy so much. I got Sammy when my anxiety was at an all time high, and he was my comfort. He'd lay his head on my chest - he was such a good boy and way too young to die. I miss him. He is gone and I had to learn to accept it. People sent me, 'The Rainbow Bridge' poem. They were well intentioned, but it didn't help. It was like this cold realiy...alive....then dead.
When we left him in the cremation room, we wrapped him in a blanket and left him with toys. When I went to close the door, I swore I saw him breathing. I had to just go back and make sure, he had started to go stiff. It was horrid. Horrid, horrid, horrid.
So after a few days of crying we got a puppy. We NEEDED a distraction. We do have another dog, Bella, but she is so quiet - the house was eerily quiet and we couldn't BEAR it. So we got another puppy, even though we weren't ready. And it was the right thing to do.
It took me a while to bond with the puppy, Kobe, because I was so scared he was going to die.
Today's blog wasn't going to be about this at all. It's amazing sometimes what comes out once you start typing. I feel I'm still grieving Sammy. I can actually breathe now though, I used to feel like I couldn't even breathe when I thought about it, the pain was so raw. Grief is like waves, strong, then they settle, then a freak wave comes and takes you by surprise - then it's calm and peaceful. You just can't predict grief, you can't control it - you just take it as it comes and do your best.
Rest in peace my beautiful Sammy, I love you so much, miss you and will never forget you gorgeous boy!
|Me and my beautiful Sammy - never forgotten Rest in peace - 9.6.17|