I'm not well and it's an emotional rollercoaster but 3 WEEKS
I haven't been feeling very well at all really, so I went to the Dr's. I have been sleeping abnormally long, i.e. 1:30am-2am fall asleep, woke at 1:30pm and laid awake an hour. Then fell back asleep till 6:30pm. Then back asleep at 1am and had to drag myself out of bed at 10:30am for the Dr's appointment (otherwise I would have kept sleeping!).
I told the Dr about my late onset sleep, but then marathon sleeping - she agreed that recovery messes up sleep - but even she thought this was a bit beyond recovery sleeping. I told her about my achy joints/generally feeling weak and my headaches. I showed her a photo of my ballooned up bloated stomach. My Dr (she is so lovely) ran some blood tests and also got a sample so I have an appointment on Tuesday to get the results. Otherwise, she suspects it's a virus/bug I'm fighting off. It felt SO GOOD to be validated and know I'm not going bonkers. I was starting to think I was just being a whimp and that I needed to toughen up through recovery a bit but my Dr took one look at me and said 'you really don't look well'. My glands are up and throat looks red apparently.
The good news was I could report to my Dr that I am doing MUCH better mentally and that I am 3 weeks sober! Through discussion with my Dr, I did decide to 'up' my dosage of my anti-depressant/anxiety tablet. I've had more than a few panic attacks and I still experience thoughts I'd rather not (will my heart stop beating? do I have a weak heart? It feels weak. Maybe I'm sleeping because I have low iron. Low iron increases risk of stroke. Oh no, maybe I will have a stroke) - yeh, it's not always fun being in my mind. So I thought it was a good idea - it's not forever - it's at this stage that it's right for me. I'm not ashamed of being on an anti-depressant tablet - I've had (have?) generalised anxiety disorder, social anxiety and panic disorder. I work very hard to manage my quirks, but am totally fine with having some help to get my serotonin levels to where they should be. I have heard of so many people (men and women) feeling shame for taking medication. I also take Naltrexone to help me with alcohol cravings - I don't consider it a magic tablet, it's just one tool in a toolbox - it does not do all the work for me.
I managed to plant two plants today - cos lettuce and parsley. I was sitting down working on the third but the pain was quite bad so I stopped. I'm really happy though that I managed to plant at least two - it's a start.
This blog is a bit of a babble today! I'm so happy for 3 weeks. I'm so grateful for my recovery. I currently do not miss wine - I have a picture in my head of a seductive wine witch trying to lure me and con me into giving in. I keep trying to associate her with any thoughts of alcohol. I don't like being told what to do, so this is a good strategy for me (even if it sounds a little loopy).